I’ve been accepted back for a 2nd year at Bethel in California. I LOVE the COMFORT of being back in Australia, with my yummy family, chasing summer on the beach, enjoying little beach town life and earning my keep. But something screams inside me saying, “Ella you are not being true to yourself, there is MORE!” I know that if I am to choose the brave choice it will be to go back for a 2nd year. After doing one year of navigating impossibility a huge part of me would love to stay and live the chilled beach life. The Whitsundays are a pretty awesome place to do that. But now that I have stepped into the realm of dreams come true there is an agitating discomfort when I ignore the fact that there is more. Uncomfortable because I didn’t overcome that much in one year to sit back and be ‘comfortable’.
Chasing dreams is hard work
It’s a pretty awesome feeling to know what I want. I realize this is a huge blessing given people search all their lives trying to find their passion and dream. Chasing my dreams is hard work. It’s been proven to me that it’s a different kind of hard work. I’ve had to work hard on my ability to receive, work on my mindset and work on my ability to ask for the life that I want.
With that all said, I am about to jump off the cliff again… I have been working since I got back but it doesn’t begin to cover living overseas for 9 months and tuition (total $15,000). I used to believe I could never live overseas because I would never have enough money. Well, I proved that lie wrong when I lived there for 9 months with no income. I have done the impossible before. Logically it doesn’t make sense to go. But, logic didn’t get me through those 9 months. Faith did.
Judgement is the gate keeper
I was the person who used to judge people who would fundraise, because I was working 60-hour weeks, working hard for my life, so why should I help them? I would help them, but I always had in the back of my mind, “Well if you had of done XYZ you would have ABC, but because I’m a nice person I will give…”
Judgment was the gatekeeper for blessing. My judgment was closing my mind off to what was possible. Pride was holding me back from receiving mind-blowing generosity and a way through impossibility. I see how not asking for help has kept me living small.
Learning to be brave and ask for help
Asking for help really stirs up a wrestle match in me. There is a part of me that struggles with the whole, “You work hard for your life and you pay for it.” And the other side is, “You get in life what you have the courage to ask for”. The line “Nothing is impossible” get’s thrown around a lot as well. We are encouraged to dream big and take risks but I guess we don’t really realize the guts it takes to really do that. We start to logically work out how we are going to make things happen (not a bad thing) but in my experience seeing impossible things become possible hasn’t happened by me crunching the numbers.
I used to be so afraid of asking for help because I was afraid of owing someone something and never being enough to repay them. In our world today we wonder what the catch is, why would someone be so kind and helpful? Surely they have a hidden agenda. In relationships we can carry an imaginary scoreboard. I helped you move house, now what can you do for me? When we practice ‘generosity’ like that it shows that we lack the trust that there will always be enough.
I wonder if more of us were asking for help or knew how to ask for help, more needs would be met and the culture of scarcity would grow dim.
When I lived in Redding California, the culture and community was the thing that impacted me the most. The focus was the healthy connection between people; they were people who had the best boundaries (ability to say no) but they practiced the best hospitality and generosity. It taught me that generosity is about being a contributor to community. Sometimes I had only $20 to last the week but I gave it away to someone who needed it more and ‘TA–DA’ more money would come back from unexpected places. What I did have was some spare time, so I babysat kids for free. I was able to give from a place of freedom without the fear that I was losing out on something. I learnt to give without agenda and with a deep knowing that my needs would be met. But it wasn’t about the ‘giving’, it was about the connection. It was great to be in a culture that took a “we are all in this together” approach – “You need a toaster, well I have two, take one!” rather than in the back of my mind putting a mark next to your name so I feel I can call on you someday.
Learning my worth
What I have learnt about asking is it all comes to down to worthiness. Will I risk rejection by asking for help? Am I still enough even if someone else says that I am not? Am I a worthy investment? In order to receive we need to believe we are worthy to receive. Now I understand my value. The more I have realized this the more I want to help other people because I understand how valuable we all are.
Weighing up the odds
As mentioned in a previous post I like to be a very realistic risk taker – I have to stare failure straight in the face. I have to allow myself to see the scariest outcome. If it doesn’t work out I’ll probably be writing a post saying, So guys I tried… it didn’t work out… oh well, lets fail fast and move on.
With less than a month until I need to be back in California starting school it feels like I am on a bullet train plummeting ahead and the tracks are disappearing. This is a feeling I have begun to know well. But what I have realized is that there is sand covering those tracks and I will reach my destination.
Creating a new normal
I told you in a previous blog that when I was 25 I didn’t want to get to the age of 30 without taking a big risk with my life. Now I am 26 and I don’t want to get to 30 without creating a new normal. A new normal looks like always in over my head, but totally secure in who I am, content at all times, always full of hope and a strong mental capacity to be always advancing and overcoming.
Taking one step at a time
Right now I feel as though I am in the dark. But light comes when I focus on becoming all that I am. All I know to do when I am in uncertainty is to focus on the thing in front of me, which is applying for my visa. The next thing will make itself clear when I have completed that step. There is no use in focusing on step 4 (booking flights) when I am still at step 3. Make sense? My friend Emma reminded me that the best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.
So here it goes, I am putting my money where my mouth is and asking for help. If you would like to help support me in my dreams please click on the donate tab!
Let’s see what happens… because anything is possible